Some FAQ's in Gay Counselling
Remember, we are all different, all unique and we all live in different contexts. The following are some frequently asked questions with generalized answers. Your questions are best answered on an individual basis. To be gay is usually also to be intelligent and creative. Intelligent creative people need to invest time into exploring and honouring  their complex selves and becoming who they can be to their maximum potential. It is therefore recommended that assistance with all personal problems and issues be dealt with in individual private counselling

Q1. I am terrified of my sexuality. How can I become more comfortable about it?

A1. I find that most Gay & Lesbian people experience some anxiety about their sexuality to varying degrees at some time. Some people experience full on panic attacks, some are very anxious, others very uncomfortable, with some embarrassment or even shame.

Most of us live in a world that says being gay is not ok and for the most part being gay is not understood by people who are not gay themselves. Many people think that there is something wrong with being gay, that it is queer or weird, or worse, perverse. UNDERSTANDABLY anyone finding out that they are gay in a world that has brought them up to be heterosexual is going to be distressed because we have all been taught to have the same attitudes towards gayness, gay or not. (Popular culture calls the fears arising out of this… “internalized homophobia”).

 I find that one of the greatest causes of anxiety for people being gay is caused by worrying about what others think about them.

 It is possible over a period of time to become less anxious about your sexuality. Just as a handbook of how to be a parent isn’t provided  with the birth of a child neither is a handbook  on what it is and means to be gay get handed to you when you start realizing that you are gay. It is up to each gay individual to learn, explore, educate themselves about what it is for him or her to be gay and to work through all of the issues that are getting in the way of living happy and fulfilled lives, which includes fulfilling your sexuality without fear of it. To cut to the chase of this very complex subject worthy of volumes not paragraphs, despite the often dreadful attitudes (real & imagined) of those important people in your life ie. family, friends and colleagues, you need to set about feeling comfortable about being gay yourself…yes that’s right despite THEIR attitudes...in the worst case scenario they may never approve...never understand…never accept. YOU need to work towards ACCEPTING that you are gay and that IT’S OK WITH YOU without wishing that others will give you the OK and waiting for their approval. In brief, YOU NEED TO ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE GAY without concerning yourself about what others think and whether it’s ok with them.

I suggest reading a range of gay literature exploring the basis for all of the common misconceptions or attitudes to being gay, seeking out the company of other gays and talk to them about their experiences of being gay, enjoy your relationships as much as you can and remember that the more comfortable you become with your sexuality the more others around you will feel more comfortable about you being gay too.

 Remember who you are. You are many things and your sexuality is a part of you, don’t be consumed by your sexuality, keep a balance in your life, give yourself PERMISSION to be gay, understand yourself including your sexuality. Keep your happiness in sight. Life is about being happy & enjoying and being surrounded by love, not being constantly afraid. Be strong, have courage, you are in a place where many have been before you. Tell yourself that you are in what I call “gay adolescence” (no matter what age you are) and one day you will be a gay adult and more comfortable within yourself. (Individual Counselling is most definitely recommended for this topic)

Q 2. What am I going to do? I’m just coming out, I don’t think I’ll fit in, I don’t look like a typical lesbian/gay…

Q2. Relax. It is normal for people to dress according to the group they identify with. Secretaries dress like secretaries, executives dress like executives, different social circles dress in a certain style people even dress differently in certain neighbourhoods and so on. Of particular note is that when we are in our teens we are developing our identity as individuals, expressing /asserting our differentness to our family and beginning to identify with a group of peers. During adolescence we are also going through puberty. Adolescence is an important time for our sexual development, just as it is an important time to identify with and be accepted by a peer group.

As we live in a heterosexual world and are for the most part identified as heterosexual we didn’t identify with a gay adolescent peer group. Now you are coming out and you can be doing this at a much later stage in your life, 25,35,45,55... wanting to meet and mix with other gays. You also very much want to fit in. You didn’t do this during your teens, neither did the other gays that you meet, so now is the time to do the adolescent thing, dress alike, be alike, be liked.  To help you integrate your new sexual identity it is important that you meet with and socialize with other gays. The dressing alike, looking alike, dramatic change of hairstyle maybe does not sit well with you, after all you are an adult now with an established identity. This feeling of having to conform to the group or not fit in is an understandable fear. You may be feeling like you did in your adolescence when you very likely didn’t fit in if you were a gay (whether you knew it at the time or not), you probably felt very different and that you didn’t fit in with the other kids. You were after all trying to identify with heterosexuals…a very different basis for identification given that underneath it all you are also developing your sexual identity as a part of the rest of your developing identity as a whole. ....to cut t0 the chase the fear is that if we don’t fit in nobody will want to have sex with us ( I would like to have this noted as another existential dread!).

You may witness amongst some new gay friends a belief that you have to conform. You don’t. You are a big girl/boy now and you don’t have to conform as you might have felt the pressure to when you were in your teens.

Often when people first come out they focus on negative aspects of “the stereotypes” and a part of this is being judgemental which is not useful to you or to others. Some people are afraid to change their outer appearance to  “looking gay” because they are afraid of being identified as gay before they are ready to be as they are just coming out and are not yet comfortable with themselves. As already noted many people dread the thought of having to change their appearance to conform which they may have been happy to do in their teens but now they are mature adults this group conformity thing doesn’t sit comfortably & you don’t like “the look”.

Many people do like to change their appearance also with their newly discovered sexual identity. Remember when you first come out you are more likely to be visiting gay venues where people are of course more likely to follow popular gay dress code…singlets for boys…singlets for girls….. The honest truth is that anything goes. When in Rome dress how you feel most comfortable!

Don’t worry at first glance it all just looks like everyone is cutting their hair the same, wearing the same clothes (many are) and it can be intimidating because it may not be a look you really want to adopt for yourself. Gay people come in all shapes and sizes, from all walks of life and yes you can wear whatever you want to even dresses & suits. Remember who you are, be yourself. It is important that you remember that people will accept and even love you for who you are, but it might be an idea to try not to stand out like Brad & Janet when you venture into your first gay nightclub!

Here are some FAQs 

the list goes on...I'm sure you will recognise some of these questions as being relevant to yourself. In counselling we explore these questions and more within the context of your life.

Q. Is there something wrong with being gay? Is being gay normal?

Q. Will Coming Out Kill my mum/dad/nanna?
Q. What will people think of me?

Q. Is it possible to have a stable and lasting gay/lesbian relationship?  

Q. Does Anyone else want a committed relationship or am I the only one?
Q. Where can you meet other gay people?

Q. Is it OK for your boyfriend to have casual sex outside of your relationship?

Q. Your girlfriend cheated on her last girlfriend will she do this to you too?  

Q. Do I have to tell everyone? I just want people who are close to me to know.
Q. Do you think that being abused in childhood caused me to be lesbian?

Q. I want to get married, have kids, have a normal life...but I like men/women. How can I decide what to do? I am confused.

Q. I am married. I feel aweful. I am betraying my partner. What should I do to stop this dreadful feeling?
Q. How do I tell my kids I'm gay? How will it effect them?

For Counselling Enquiries or appointments call Susan Aarons, Gay & Lesbian Counselling Services- (03) 9855 8188 or 0412173944

Copyright  Gay & Lesbian Counselling Services, Hawthorn Victoria 2002.